CB TRUCKER'S GUIDE TO SNAPPY PUT-DOWNS AND ROADSIDE ROASTS
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A Handbook for the Open-Road Trash-Talker

Published: February 28, 2025
Author: Daniel Conderman
Context: Recovered Conderman.Group humor handbook
Original URL: https://conderman.group/2025/02/cb-truckers-guide-to-snappy-put-downs-roadside-roasts-a-handbook-for-the-open-road-trash-talker/


FOREWORD: KEEP YOUR CB HOT AND YOUR INSULTS HOTTER
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The road is long, the loads are heavy, and sometimes a good CB roast session
is the only entertainment on the highway. Whether clapping back at a
slowpoke, calling out a rookie, or keeping the airwaves lively, keep it fun
and light. If they cannot handle the heat, they should not be idling in your
lane.


1. CLASSIC CB COMEBACKS
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  * Your truck's got more rattles than a daycare at nap time!
  * You drive like my granny... and she's been in reverse since '92!
  * Your gears grind louder than your ex-wife's lawyer!
  * Your rig's so slow, I passed you in a parking lot!
  * I'd tell you to put the hammer down, but I see you already lost it!


2. MOMMAS, WIVES, AND HOME-ALONE ROASTS
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  * Your wife's like a rest stop -- everybody pulls in, but nobody stays too
    long!
  * You been out so long, even the dog don't recognize you anymore!
  * Your old lady's got more traffic than the weigh station on a holiday
    weekend!
  * Your kid calls your dispatcher Dad now!
  * I'd ask if your wife misses you, but she's too busy to answer!


3. SLOWPOKES, FOUR-WHEELERS, AND ROAD HOGS
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  * You're so slow, I could've delivered and retired before you hit the next
    exit!
  * You must be paid by the hour, 'cause you sure ain't paid to move!
  * I'd flash my high beams at you, but I don't wanna wake you up!
  * Your truck's so weak, even the speed-limit signs are laughing!
  * If you go any slower, I'm gonna start charging you rent on the highway!


4. ROASTING DISPATCH AND THE BOSS MAN
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  * My dispatcher's idea of quick pay is a calendar with no dates!
  * You want me to haul what, where, and for how much? You been sniffing
    diesel fumes again?!
  * I got a better chance of seeing Bigfoot than a fair load from this
    company!
  * Dispatcher says "just one more stop" like I don't know that's a lie!
  * My paycheck's lighter than my empty trailer!


5. ONE-LINER SPEED-ROASTS
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  * Hammer down, or pull over and start a garden!
  * Your truck's got less power than a used-up AA battery!
  * You drive like you just Googled how!
  * Your fuel tank's got more leaks than your dispatcher's promises!
  * I've seen tighter turns in a kindergarten parking lot!


AFTERWORD: KEEP IT FUN, KEEP IT ROLLING
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CB smack talk is an art, a tradition, and a fine way to pass the time. In a
heated exchange or while merely dropping laughs over the airwaves, keep it
light, clever, and unserious. Now get back on the road and keep those
one-liners coming. 10-4, good buddy!