TERMS OF SERVICE FOR FRIENDSHIP AND FAMILY ========================================== Published: March 21, 2025 Author: Daniel Conderman Context: Recovered Conderman.Group autobiographical satire Original URL: https://conderman.group/2025/03/terms-of-service-agreement-for-friendship-and-or-familial-affiliation/ PREAMBLE -------- WHEREAS, I, Dan Conderman (hereinafter "the Individual"), being domiciled in a region located somewhere between the Cheddar Curtain and the Twilight Zone, do hereby promulgate this Terms of Service Agreement (hereinafter "TOS"), which, while lacking formal legal enforceability, is nonetheless deemed spiritually binding upon all persons who elect to interact, fraternize, or otherwise engage with the Individual in any meaningful capacity; WHEREAS, any and all natural persons, family members, or individuals of humanoid form, whether they be recognized as non-player characters or otherwise, (hereinafter "the Other Party"), desiring to cultivate friendship, familial bonds, casual acquaintanceship, cooperative board game endeavors, spontaneous road trip participation, ham radio camaraderie, or any other interpersonal relationship with the Individual, shall be subject to the covenants, conditions, stipulations, disclaimers, rants, and whimsical provisions set forth herein; NOW, THEREFORE, in consideration of the mutual promises and good faith herein described--together with an undercurrent of coffee, dog hair, train tickets, and fervent belief systems--the parties mutually agree to the following: ARTICLE I -- BELIEFS & PHILOSOPHICAL WARNINGS --------------------------------------------- Section 1.1 -- Christianity Clause * The Individual hereby declares adherence to Christian tenets. Acknowledging that some practitioners may, at times, exhibit eccentric behaviors, the Individual remains content in these beliefs and does not require "fixing." * The Other Party is neither compelled nor expected to subscribe to said Christian beliefs. However, the Other Party shall refrain from any of the following: * Aggressive mockery of the Individual's faith. * Unsolicited attempts at conversion, whether toward or away from said faith. * Lengthy theological debates conducted over Thanksgiving or other food- centric holidays. * Any infraction of the above shall subject the Other Party to the Silent Judgment Penalty, the parameters of which shall be determined in the sole discretion of the Individual. Section 1.2 -- Simulation Theory Addendum * The Individual embraces a simulationist worldview, specifically positing the notion that reality, its sub-realities, and certain quantum phenomena (including, but not limited to, parallel Dairy Queen renditions) may be constructs of a grand, possibly digital, cosmic design. * Should the Other Party inquire into such matters, the Individual may, at any time and without further warning, unleash a Verbal Torrent analyzing the precarious nature of existence, the meaning of Non-Player Characters (NPCs), and the fluid probabilities of reality. * The Other Party acknowledges that such philosophical tangents can be both enlightening and deeply unsettling, assuming all existential risks inherent thereto. ARTICLE II -- OCCUPATIONAL DISCLOSURE & SPECIAL SKILLS ------------------------------------------------------ Section 2.1 -- Web Wizardry * The Individual's professional activities center on digital and web-based engagements, wherein he wields HTML, CSS, JavaScript, and other advanced internet sorcery on behalf of top-tier clientele. * The precise identity of these global brand partners shall not be disclosed, except in the event the Other Party is (a) officially authorized to receive such information, and (b) already in possession of the relevant contact details. * The Other Party may formally solicit the Individual's web-related services by initiating contact and presenting a Short Pitch outlining the scope, budget, and comedic potential of the proposed collaboration. The Individual reserves the right to accept, reject, or ignore said solicitation at his sole discretion. ARTICLE III -- HAM RADIO OPERATIONS ----------------------------------- Section 3.1 -- Constant Monitoring Protocol * The Individual habitually operates one or more ham radios, scanners, or other radio frequency devices, continuously analyzing signals akin to a less brooding iteration of Batman. * The Other Party is hereby informed that if the Individual appears distracted, he is likely engaged in data collection, not ignoring them. Such behavior is neither personal nor dismissive, but a reflexive pursuit of audible intelligence. Section 3.2 -- Licensing Expectations * The Individual is not obligated to provide comprehensive instruction on ham radio operation, licensing requirements, or the various technical intricacies thereof. * Should the Other Party express genuine curiosity, they are encouraged to independently pursue certification or licensing via online resources. * The Individual shall not be held liable for the Other Party's subsequent obsession with legally sanctioned RF eavesdropping. ARTICLE IV -- CHILD INTERACTION POLICY -------------------------------------- Section 4.1 -- Behavior Clause * Children demonstrating unbridled chaos, ear-splitting shrieks, or wilful disregard for basic civilized conduct will be met with polite withdrawal, passive indifference, or comprehensive emotional ghosting by the Individual. * Conversely, children who maintain socially acceptable behavior standards shall be rewarded with: * High-fives or other morale-enhancing gestures; * Occasional gifts of modest value, which may include reading materials, toys, or cryptic puzzle boxes; * The potential disclosure of mysterious train-related knowledge that may shape their understanding of rail travel for decades to come. ARTICLE V -- GAMEPLAY & ADVENTURE SUBSCRIPTION ---------------------------------------------- Section 5.1 -- Game Participation Agreement * Any mention--spoken, written, or implied--of board games, card games, tabletop role-playing games (notably Dungeons & Dragons), or anything vaguely game-like shall be construed as an open invitation for the Individual to appear forthwith, dice in hand, ready to roll initiative. * Should the Other Party explicitly invite the Individual to a gaming session, the Other Party is strongly encouraged to provide snacks suitable for sustaining the Individual's inherent enthusiasm. Section 5.2 -- Train Ride Escapade Addendum * The Individual regards train travel as a near-sacred pursuit. Any foray into such an expedition, especially those requiring matching conductor hats, shall command his immediate and unwavering interest. * The Other Party is advised that the Individual's reverence for rail travel extends to the sharing of historically significant trivia, potential route optimization dialogues, and a near-unyielding fascination with timetables. ARTICLE VI -- PET CLAUSE ------------------------ Section 6.1 -- Max, The Dog * "Max," the canine occupant of the Individual's abode, wields an informal yet indisputable authority over the household. * The Other Party shall respect Max's personal space, treat preferences, and inalienable right to distribute fur in all corners of the living area. Section 6.2 -- Alex, The Tortoise * "Alex," the venerable chelonian, is a testament to longevity and is therefore bequeathed certain immortal privileges. * Alex's inclusion in the Individual's will, as well as the near-certainty that Alex will outlive the majority of those who read this TOS, is deemed non-negotiable. ARTICLE VII -- HUSTLE STATEMENT ------------------------------- Section 7.1 -- Legal Hustles Only * The Individual operates an Open-Door Policy regarding ethically permissible side quests, entrepreneurial pursuits, or whimsical business ventures. * Any proposed hustle must not contravene established legal frameworks or ethical norms, with the sole exception being comedic pyramid schemes so absurd that they exist more as performance art than commerce. * The Other Party's engagement is subject to the Individual's discretionary approval, contingent upon comedic and financial feasibility. ARTICLE VIII -- FINAL CLAUSE ---------------------------- * By persisting in conversation, fellowship, or any manner of shared experience with the Individual--be it an exchange of text messages, shared meals, or the mutual consumption of existential discourse--the Other Party acknowledges, accepts, and agrees to be bound by the present TOS. * The Individual reserves the right to amend, revise, expand, contract, or otherwise alter this TOS at any time, without prior notice, especially should he experience a newfound spiritual epiphany or stumble upon a hobby in the early morning hours of a Tuesday. * This TOS, being spiritually binding yet legally whimsical, shall be interpreted and construed under the laws of Good Humor and Good Faith, with any disputes subject to resolution via politely tolerant conversation.