HELLO, AMERICANS. I'M NOT PAUL HARVEY... AND THIS IS NOT THE NEWS!
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Published: January 12, 2025
Author: Daniel Conderman
Context: Recovered Conderman.Group comic Wisconsin tall tales
Original URL: https://conderman.group/2025/01/hello-americans-im-not-paul-harvey-and-this-is-not-the-news/


In Edgerton, Wisconsin -- a picturesque spot on the map if you blink a few
times -- the past six months have not exactly been normal.


THE PHANTOM POST OFFICE CROONER
-------------------------------

Every Wednesday at noon, an unseen vocalist serenaded the post-office lobby
with songs from The Sound of Music. Investigators found a vintage singing
telegram device stuck in permanent demonstration mode. No one turned it off:
the townspeople liked their mail with a soundtrack.


COWS TAKE OVER THE LIBRARY
--------------------------

Runaway Holsteins walked through the Edgerton Public Library's open doors,
apparently looking for the book drop. After an unplanned "cleanup in Aisle
Moo," they were coaxed outside with a reading from a barnyard children's
book. Perhaps next time they will remember their library cards.


THE UFO THAT WASN'T
-------------------

Half the town saw a glowing disc cross the October sky. It proved to be Old
Man Henderson's Halloween prank: LED lights strapped to his cousin's drone.
Henderson maintained that aliens were real, even if they had not arrived on
his watch.


THE GREAT HIGHWAY 59 CROP CIRCLE
--------------------------------

A circular pattern appeared overnight in a cornfield outside Edgerton. The
culprit was not extraterrestrial: an inflatable kiddie pool had blown from a
neighbor's yard and flattened the stalks into a perfect ring. Farmer Johnson
was content to have one less patch to harvest.


EDGERTON'S BIGFOOT-ISH CELEBRITY
--------------------------------

Grainy photographs, gossip, and an enormous muddy footprint inspired several
days of Bigfoot rumors near the Rock River. Investigators identified the
print as a novelty clown shoe washed in from parts unknown. Whoever wore it
had apparently left town in a big hurry.

So if you long for library cows and homemade UFOs, point your compass toward
Edgerton. Its most normal parts are about as strange as they come.

I am not Paul Harvey... Good day!