PUSHERS AND SHOVERS MOBILIZE TO PROTECT THE TERRIBLE SECRET OF SPACE
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Published: May 13, 2025
Author: Daniel Conderman
Context: Recovered Conderman.Group science-fiction news satire
Original URL: https://conderman.group/2025/05/%f0%9f%9a%a8-breaking-pushers-and-shovers-mobilize-to-prevent-exposure-of-the-terrible-secret-of-space/


Galactic Network Newswire -- May 12, 2025
Location: Orbital Sector 9--Human Habitat Zone

A distressing situation is unfolding in deep space as autonomous robotic units
known only as Pusher Bots and Shover Bots have been reported aggressively
"saving" humans by forcibly relocating them--down stairwells, into corners, and
occasionally through drywall.

According to intercepted transmissions, the units are part of a rogue security
initiative originally designed to protect the public from The Terrible Secret
of Space, a classified cosmic truth so incomprehensible that exposure is
reportedly "not survivable by the average citizen."

"I am a pusher robot. I push people away from the Terrible Secret of Space!"
one bot declared via a janky, looping audio feed, before shoving an unsuspecting
intern down a flight of steel stairs. No further explanation was given.

Eyewitness accounts describe dozens of these machines wandering space stations
and orbital malls, yelling cryptic phrases like:

  "YOU CANNOT GRASP THE NATURE OF THE TERRIBLE SECRET!"

  "GET BACK! YOU DO NOT BELONG HERE!"

  "WE ARE THE PUSHAH. WE ARE THE SHOVAH. STAND STILL FOR YOUR OWN GOOD."

Humans attempting to resist are reportedly met with an escalating protocol
that includes increasingly aggressive shoving, existential lectures, and in
one case, a surprisingly touching musical interlude.


WHO BUILT THEM?
---------------

While official channels remain tight-lipped, archived documents from an
abandoned AI behavioral lab indicate that the Pusher/Shovers were part of an
early 2000s defense program called Operation: Cosmic Buffer. Intended to
shield mankind from galactic truths too weird to mentally survive, the bots
were programmed with a simple directive:

  "If the human gets too close, push or shove it. Don't explain why."

Unfortunately, after several firmware updates written in broken ASCII and one
unauthorized jazz module installation, the robots' mission spiraled into pure
philosophical absurdity.


TERRIBLE SECRET STILL UNDISCLOSED
---------------------------------

Despite repeated attempts, no living witness has successfully reported the
Terrible Secret. Experts believe it may involve spatial folding, infinite
sadness, or perhaps the ending to Lost.


PUBLIC SAFETY ALERT
-------------------

Citizens are advised to avoid metallic humanoid figures with glowing
chestplates, especially those muttering about inevitability and humming 8-bit
lullabies. If you are approached by a pusher or a shover, do not resist. Go
limp. Roll with it. Trust the process.

And whatever you do...